dusk

I have exhausted the concept of human connection.

I talk to less than 5 people, outside of work.

I was popular.

I was fun.

Until people grew up and had to deal with the real fucking world.

And I like people with heart and I think about them, think about selfless motivations and altruistic navigation..

“ahh“

Much like discipline,I experience a sense of envy when my eyes land on those people…

Gah. . If only I could be like you..

(these are useless feelings)

I know..

Road signs that don’t say anything.

I see them pop up as I traverse “the loop”.

And if the things you own end up owning you… Then I am owned by a collection of guitar pedals.

Several delays, reverbs, microloopers, macro bloopers, chorus and flanger, tremolo,..

Yep.. 👍

That’s apparently what it’s all about.

And I saw a girl sitting on a bench outside a gas station..

(she’s sweating)

That girl been walking…

And something’s going on with her..

(the nod)

Ah yes..there it is..a young and thin girl with her head hanging between her shoulders, wallowing around.. slosh..

Yes,there it is.

“I’m sorry”

And there’s nothing I could say to make you really listen to me..

(mistake)

Yes..many people would disagree with me vehemently..

I couldn’t approach her.

Because I would have nothing to say. And because I’m a dude.

I don’t have the answers to fix THAT.

Then wish for the best ..

(😆 because it takes NO effort 😂)

Yeah…

Yea maybe..

A cop out…

But still!

This is either a speed bump in her story or she will die far too young.

Seems like it can only be one of those two things…

But then again…

(junkies can also live forever)

Yah..the classic ‘keep on trucking’ types..

Yeah..those people are out there too..

So I went home and took a shot of Kratom and paced around the backyard, letting my head swim…

(you can’t say shit)

Nah..I really can’t.

I’m Just like her.

Every bit as avoidant. I live to escape..

(but you did 40 reps)

I did.

We have a quick conversation and when I see it I do it..

(that’s it)

The trick.

The trick of shifting your bad habits to good habits.

To take the compulsion and channel it into a positive force, white over red…

(then you could say shit)

I could.

I could sit on the bench beside her…

“hey bitch,,, want to go exercise?”

Her head rolls towards me and her eyeballs drift from place to place..

‘i just shot up’

And I could chirp back…

“nah,you don’t get it..all we have to do…to save your life…is make you understand that the bad compulsions must be replaced with good compulsions …make her understand that she will always have compulsions, The key is to recognize them and self-observe. . “

I finish my spiel and hunt for a reaction on her face…

Then a string of snot drifts down..a bit of white foam forms at the corners of her mouth

(ayo this girl OD’ing)

Oh shit…I think you’re right…

OH SHIT!

We gotta call somebody to help…

(I don’t think your “shifting addiction” speech is going to work this time)

No..

I guess it’s not .

Yikes.

(I wonder if her parents know where she is…)

Sad, right?

Saaaddd…

Or… She came from such a shitty place,, that it seems more pleasant to be strung out sitting outside of a gas station..

(bleh..it’s hot)

Crazy hot ..

And she must have been dying..

(I’m sure she had some real sweaty track marks going on..)

Yeah..

Sad..

Who do you blame?

I mean really, who do you blame?.

I found that blaming is counterproductive..and perhaps you should own your situation

(and being)

Yes…very well said..

You can stand up on your own without being locked into the comparison war games…

Meh ..

I’m retarded.

But I can’t stand the idea of being gone.And not having a place to babble.

And I really mean it …

Now let’s hear it for the heroin girl at the gas station…

A round of applause.

Next up, we’ve got a story about nothing.. And then more nothing, and then more, and then more..

Stay Tuned!

(that’s enough…)

Alright.. another day down…

(. And one day closer to death!  – time, pink Floyd)

Shit’s retarded.

Stupid.

Dumb.

Moronic.

Thoughtless.

Aimless..

(done?)

Alright… I’ll go ..

Thanks for being here..

(junkie ass junkie.. doin junkie shit and living the junkie ways )

Fuckin rattlesnake.

The clock… Staring at the clock is a trigger… If I’m only left with a couple hours each day, after the responsibilities, then I want to make the most of those hours..

And that’s fine. But if you’re not careful, that’ll be the pattern you fall into..then you’re done.

Junkie ass junkie..

Let’s ponder the differences..

Her – illegal substance

Me-over-the-counter substance

Her life-turning tricks and doing anything she can to stay high.

My life- going to work and hating it .

Her passion -intravenous intake

My passion- guitar pedals.

(why are you comparing yourself to this girl?)

I dunno…

To tell myself that I’m not as bad as her … To remind myself that it could be much worse…

(that’s a stupid thing to do)

Yes..yes it is