dusk

I poured a double whiskey/Ginger tonight.

Took two sips and realized I didn’t even want it.

Tossed it down the drain.

On lunch break I took out my portable acoustic setup, found a nice spot in the shade,away from people,,,

Went to strum a chord and realized,,i didn’t want that either.

I rolled a spliff, went to light it and realized i didn’t want it either..

(Did you think about jerking off and gave up on that too?)

No.

No I did not.

Is there something to be learned from this mood?

(Indecision is death)

Yes..

But only because time is involved.. only because you and I are “actively decaying”..

And thus.. I started to whine..and didn’t feel like that shit either…

Sometimes …sometimes I feel like we owe every child an apology.. like each adult is due,obligated to sit them down and say

“I’m so sorry”..

But our parents didn’t say that to us..

And their parents didn’t say it to them.

So what you have is…

A generational wound.

A family of origin dating back to the earliest human history..

It might not be your fault that the world is so fucked up,,but that’s not the important part…

I think it’s in admitting.

Not surrender,,but sharp admission…

Not to say “this world is fucked and there’s nothing you can do about it,,,so,,allow me to teach you about nihilism”

That’s not what i mean.

(A very special episode of Sesame Street …)

Darling daughter, Sacred son,, come sit with me.. i want you to remember this conversation we’re about to have..

And then I’d tell them the truth.

“My truth”.

I would attempt to make it digestible and not coated in futility… I wouldn’t let my own arrivals influence someone else’s journey..

Path…

I would sit and have this conversation..

Then I would look them in their eye,,,hug them,,,

Then I’d punch ’em right in the face..as an adult punches…

Crying,looking up at me through tears they would wail…

“Why?? Why did you do that dad?”

Because I wanted you to remember..it’s very important… important for the future and for your own children..

When the time comes, you’ll need to have your own version of this conversation…

And might I recommend..punching them in the face..

Just so they’ll remember .

(Cracker you stupid)

Yeah..

Weird mood.

I feel like my sandbox has been covered with glass..

“And this will not do“..

Deep breath..

Try to prepare for the daily unwind..it’s important..

I’d like to close with another reflection on addictions..

Phone.

Youtube more specifically.

It’s my only window into your world, and I run to it every chance I get…

I cup my hands and peer into the glass…

(Shame on you)

Yes..shame on me..

That was a mistake.

(End strong)

I miss my sandbox.

I’ll take it back, even if I have to turn it into a human litter box..

“I shit..therefore I am”

(End outward)

Things are really scary right now.. and i never ….

I never chose.

I was just Born under a flag, and I”m so fucking sorry for what we’ve done to the world..

Beyond missiles and nuclear detonations..

I’m so sorry,, that we have spread this infection…

So sorry that it’s material.Capitalism.Dog-eat-motherfucking dog-and you can have a lovely smile if you can put 70 grand in your fucking mouth,,and you can be at a level if you can simply strive and scheme to get there…

I so sorry we spread this spirit over the planet, and I am the most ashamed..

So sorry that it killed tradition..culture..

I feel disgusted in it..

Dig it,,

“To eat, to pay mortgage”

For that I have to give away 40-50 hours a week.

Then I have to take part of that, and put it into gasoline,,so I can KEEP going to work…

So i might stick my penis in this perpetual cunt..

And in order for me to be TRAPPED, like every other asshole around me…

My people have to go and kill others…

And the World needs a massive war every so many years, it’s planned.. it’s pre-decided…

Oscar Schindler became wealthy from that knowledge..

I’d rather keep complaining..

And thinking about bombs being dropped on children,,CHILDREN,, so i can stay locked into a cycle that brings you to suicidal ideation with regularity…

Crazy huh?

(You suck at stringing sentences together..)

Kiss my ass..

I mean what I say.

I mean it.

So,, i am exploited .

For my necessity and for my love.

I can’t feed these fucking stray cats if I can’t afford gas to get to work.

And the cat-food company CAN’T AFFORD TO SHIP THE MOTHERFUCKIN CAT FOOD…

And I’ll stare at you from across the room..

I don’t have to say shit.

All i have to do is BE there.

That’s all I have to do…

My spirit will be felt…

So yeah…

(Have a deep talk with children and then punch them in the face?)

Or have someone punch YOu in the face…whatever needs to happen…

Bro.i0

If the end of your day arrives..and you DON’T feel like smashing yourself in the face with a mallet…with a fucking mallet…

You must be asleep.. must be..

(and when you die,the only thing God looks up..is how you treated animals..pets.)